Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 4

Chapter 4Yet a nonher reason that I loathe the heavenly scum with whom I sh ar this way of life today I found that I had offended our intrepid room receipts waiter, messiah. How was I to hit the sack? When he b somet our pizza for dinner, I gave him whiz of the Ameri suffer fluid coins that we received from the drome sweet shop c alled Cinnabon. He scoffed at me scoffed thence, ventureing better of it, he acquaint tongue to, Seor, I dwell you ar foreign, so you do not make emerge, nevertheless this is a very insulting tip. Better you precisely sign the room service slip so I stick around the fee that is added automatically. I guarantee you this because you have been very kind, and I contend you do not mean to offend, simply another of the waiters would clapper in your food if you should offer him this.I glared at the angel, who, as usual, was manufacturing on the bed ceremony television, and for the first time I realized that he did not understand Jesus langu age. He did not de stretch puzzle forthr the gift of tongues he had bestowed on me. He spoke Aramaic to me, and he seemed to know Hebrew and abundant English to understand television, just of Spanish he understood not a word. I apologized to Jesus and sent him on his way with a promise that I would make it up to him, then I wheeled on the angel.You fool, these coins, these dimes, are closely worth little in this country.What do you mean, they cypher the same(p)s of the silver dinars we dug up in Jerusalem, they are worth a fortune.He was right, in a way. subsequently he called me up from the dead I led him to a cemetery in the valley of Ben Hiddon, and in that respect, underground behind a stone where Judas had put it dickens yard years past, was the blood money xxx silver dinars. except for a little tarnish, they looked just as they did on the day I had interpreted them, and they were about identical to the coin this country calls the dime ( pull out for the image of Tiberius on the dinars, and some other Caesar on the dime). We had taken the dinars to an antiquities dealer in the old city (which looked nearly the similar as it did when Id last walked there, except that the Temple was gone and in its propose two great mosques). The merchant gave us twenty thousand dollars in American money for them. It was this money that we had traveled on, and deposited at the hotel desk for our expenses. The angel told me the dimes must have the same worth as the dinars, and I, wish well a fool, believed him.You should have told me, I tell to the angel. If I could leave this room I would know myself.You have work to do, the angel said. Then he leapt to his feet and shouted at the television, The resentment of the Lord shall fall upon ye, StephanosWhat in the hell are you shouting at?The angel wagged a digit at the working classion screen, He has exchanged Catherines baby for its evil twin, which he conveyed with her sister while she was in a coma, yet Catherine does not realize his evil deed, as he has had his face changed to impersonate the bank managing director who is foreclosing on Catherines husbands work. If I was not trapped here I would personally drag the fiend dead on target to hell.For days now the angel had been watching serial dramas on television, alternately shouting at the screen or bursting into tears. He had stopped reading over my shoulder, so I had just tried to disregard him, solely now I realized what was red on.Its not real, Raziel.What do you mean?Its drama, like the classics utilize to do. They are actors in a play.No, no one could pretend to such evil.Thats not all. Spider-Man and Doctor grey whale? Not real. Characters in a play.You lying dogIf youd ever leave the room and look at how real mess talk youd know that, you yellow-haired cretin. But no, you stay here perched on my shoulder like a trained bird. I am dead two thousand years and flush I know better. (I still need to get a look at that book in the dresser. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could goad the angel into giving me five minutes privacy.)You know nothing, said Raziel. I have destroyed whole cities in my time.Sort of makes me wonder if you destroyed the right ones. Thatd be embarrassing, huh?Then an advertisement came on the screen for a magazine that promised to fill in all the blanks and give the real inside story to all of soap operas Soap Opera Digest. I watched the angels look widen. He grabbed the phone and rang the front desk.What are you doing?I need that book.Have them send up Jesus, I said. Hell dish up you get it.On our first day of work, Joshua and I were up earlier dawn. We met near the well and modify the waterskins our fathers had given us, then ate our breakfasts, flatbread and cheese, as we walked together to Sepphoris. The road, although packed dirt most of the way, was smooth and calorie- shrive to walk. (If Rome maxim to any(prenominal)thing in its territories, it was the lifel ines of its army.) As we walked we watched the rock-strewn hills turn pink under the rising sun, and I saying Joshua shudder as if a chill wind had danced up his spine.The glory of idol is in everything we see, he said. We must neer forget that.I just stepped in camel dung. Tomorrow lets leave after its wake out.I just realized it, that is why the old woman wouldnt live again. I forgot that it wasnt my power that do her arise, it was the Lords. I brought her back for the wrong reason, out of arrogance, so she died a second time.It squished over the side of my sandal. Well, thats going to smell all day.But perhaps it was because I did not touch her. When Ive brought other creatures back to life, Ive ever much touched them.Is there something in the Law astir(predicate) taking your camel off the road to do his business? There should be. If not the Law of Moses, then the Romans should have one. I mean, they wont hesitate to crucify a Jew who rebels, there should be some punishmen t for messing up their roads. Dont you think? Im not saying crucifixion, simply a ethical smiting in the mouth or something.But how could I have touched the corpse when it is command by the Law? The mourners would have stopped me.Can we stop for a second so I can scrape off my sandal? attention me hear a stick. That pile was as big as my head.Youre not listening to me, Biff.I am listening. Look, Joshua, I dont think the Law applies to you. I mean, youre the Messiah, God is supposed to propound you what he wants, isnt he?I ask, but I receive no answer.Look, youre doing fine. Maybe that woman didnt live again because she was stubborn. overaged people are that way. You have to throw water on my grandfather to get him up from his nap. Try a young dead person next time.What if I am not really the Messiah?You mean youre not sure? The angel didnt give it away? You think that God might be playing a joke on you? I dont think so. I dont know the Torah as well as you, Joshua, but I dont remember God having a sense of humor.Finally, a grin. He gave me you as a best friend, didnt he?Help me find a stick.Do you think Ill make a good stonemason?Just dont be better at it than I am. Thats all I ask.You stink.What have I been saying?You really think Maggie likes me? be you going to be like this every morning? Because if you are, you can walk to work alone.The penetrations of Sepphoris were like a funnel of humanity. Farmers poured out into their fields and groves, craftsmen and builders crowded in, while merchants hawked their wares and beggars moaned at the roadside. Joshua and I stopped outside the gates to marvel and were nearly run mound by a man leading a string of donkeys laden with baskets of stone.It wasnt that we had never seen a city before. Jerusalem was fifty times larger than Sepphoris, and we had been there many times for bed covering days, but Jerusalem was a Jewish city it was the Jewish city. Sepphoris was the Roman fortress city of Galilee, and as s oon as we saw the statue of Venus at the gates we knew that this was something different.I elbowed Joshua in the ribs. sculptured image. I had never seen the human form depicted before.Sinful, Joshua said.Shes naked.Dont look.Shes completely naked.It is forbidden. We should go away from here, find your father. He caught me by my sleeve and dragged me through the gates into the city.How can they allow that? I asked. Youd think that our people would tear it down.They did, a band of Zealots. Joseph told me. The Romans caught them and crucified them by this road.You never told me that.Joseph told me not to speak of it.You could see her breasts.Dont think slightly it.How can I not think about it? Ive never seen a breast without a baby attached to it. Theyre more more friendly in pairs like that.Which way to where we are supposed to work?My father said to come to the western corner of the city and we would see where the work was macrocosm done.Then come along. He was still dragging m e, his head down, stomping along like an angry mule.Do you think Maggies breasts pull up stakes look like that?My father had been commissioned to build a theater of operations for a wealthy Greek on the western side of the city. When Joshua and I arrived my father was already there, directing the slaves who were hoisting a cut stone into view on the wall. I suppose I evaluate something different. I suppose I was surprised that anyone, even a slave, would do as my father instructed. The slaves were Nubians, Egyptians, Phoenicians, criminals, debtors, spoils of war, accidents of birth they were wiry, filthy men, many wearable nothing more than sandals and a loincloth. In another life they might have commanded an army or lived in a palace, but now they sweated in the morning chill, moving stones heavy enough to break a donkey.Are these your slaves? Joshua asked my father.Am I a rich man, Joshua? No, these slaves belong to the Romans. The Greek who is building this house has hired them for the construction.why do they do as you ask? There are so many of them. You are that one man.My father hung his head. I hope that you never see what the lead tips of a Roman conquer do to a mans body. All of these men have, and even seeing it has broken their spirit as men. I pray for them every wickedness.I hate the Romans, I said.Do you, little one, do you? A mans piece from behind.Hail, Centurion, my father said, his eyes going wide.Joshua and I turned to see Justus Gallicus, the centurion from the funeral at Japhia, standing among the slaves. Alphaeus, it seems you are procreation a litter of Zealots.My father put his hands on my and Joshuas shoulders. This is my son, Levi, and his friend Joshua. They begin their apprenticeship today. Just boys, he said, by way of apology.Justus approached, looked quickly at me, then stared at Joshua for a long time. I know you, boy. Ive seen you before.The funeral at Japhia, I said quickly. I couldnt take my eyes off of the wasp-wai sted short vane that hung from the centurions belt.No, the Roman seemed to be searching his memory. Not Japhia. Ive seen this face in a picture.That cant be, my father said. We are forbidden by our faith from depicting the human form.Justus glared at him. I am not a singular to your peoples primitive beliefs, Alphaeus. Still, this boy is familiar.Joshua stared up at the centurion with a completely blank expression.You expression for these slaves, boy? You would free them if you could?Joshua nodded. I would. A mans spirit should be his own to give to God.You know, there was a slave about eighty years ago who talked like you. He raised an army of slaves against Rome, beat back two of our armies, took over all the territories south of Rome. Its a story every Roman soldier must ensure.Why, what happened? I asked.We crucified him, Justus said. By the side of the road, and his body was eaten by ravens. The lesson we all learn is that nothing can stand against Rome. A lesson you need to learn, boy, along with your stonecutting.Just then another Roman soldier approached, a legionnaire, not wearing the cape or the helmet crest of the centurion. He said something to Justus in Latin, then looked at Joshua and paused. In rough Aramaic he said, Hey, didnt I see that kid on some bread at once?Wasnt him, I said.Really? Sure looks like him.Nope, that was another kid on the bread.It was me, said Joshua.I backhanded him across the forehead, knocking him to the ground. No it wasnt. Hes insane. Sorry.The soldier shook his head and hurried off after Justus.I offered a hand to help Joshua up. Youre going to have to learn to lie.I am? But I feel like Im here to tell the truth.Yeah, sure, but not now.I dont exactly know what I expected it would be like working as a stonemason, but I know that in less than a week Joshua was having second thoughts about not becoming a carpenter. Cutting great stones with nonaged iron cuckolds was very hard work. Who knew?Look around, do you see any trees? Joshua mocked. arguments, Josh, rocks.Its only hard because we dont know what were doing. It will get easier.Joshua looked at my father, who was stripped to the waist, chiseling away on a stone the size of a donkey, while a dozen slaves waited to hoist it into place. He was covered with gray dust and streams of sweat move dark lines between cords of muscle straining in his back and arms. Alphaeus, Joshua called, does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments impel up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open, begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lor d to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you dont have to face another morning. It also has its downside. Thanks, Joshua said. He looked at me, one forehead raised.I for one, am excited, I said. Im ready to cut some stone. Stand back, Josh, my chisel is on fire. aliveness is stretched out before us like a great bazaar, and I cant wait to taste the sweets to be found there.Josh tilted his head like a bewildered dog. I didnt get that from your fathers answer.Its sarcasm, Josh. derision?Its from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you arent really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.Well, if the hamlet idiot named it, Im sure its a good thing.There you go, you got it.Got what?Sarcasm.No, I meant it.Sure you did.Is that sarcasm?Irony, I think.Whats the remnant?I havent the slightest idea.So youre creation dry now, right?No, I really dont know.Maybe you should ask the idiot. at one time youve g ot it.What?Sarcasm.Biff, are you sure you werent sent here by the Devil to vex me?Could be. How am I doing so far? You feel vexed?Yep. And my hands hurt from holding the chisel and mallet. He struck the chisel with his wooden mallet and sprayed us both with stone fragments.Maybe God sent me to talk you into being a stonemason so you would hurry up and go be the Messiah.He struck the chisel again, then spit and sputtered through the fragments that flew. I dont know how to be the Messiah.So what, a week ago we didnt know how to be stonemasons and look at us now. It gets easier once you know what youre doing.Are you being ironic again?God, I hope not.It was two months before we actually saw the Greek who had commissioned my father to build the house. He was a short, soft-looking little man, who wore a drape that was as white as any worn by the Levite priests, with a border of interlocking rectangles woven around the hem in gold. He arrived in a pair of chariots, followed on foot by tw o body slaves and a half-dozen bodyguards who looked like Phoenicians. I say a pair of chariots because he rode with a driver in the lead chariot, but behind them they pulled a second chariot in which stood the ten-foot-tall marble statue of a naked man. The Greek climbed down from his chariot and went directly to my father. Joshua and I were mixing a batch of mortar at the time and we paused to watch.Graven image, Joshua said.Saw it, I said. As modeled images go, I like Venus over by the gate better.That statue is not Jewish, Joshua said.Definitely not Jewish, I said. The statues manhood, although abundant, was not circumcised.Alphaeus, the Greek said, why havent you set the floor of the lycee yet? Ive brought this statue to display in the gymnasium, and theres just a hole in the ground instead of a gymnasium.I told you, this ground is not suitable for building. I cant build on sand. Ive had the slaves dig down in the sand until they hit bedrock. Now it has to be back-filled in w ith stone, then pounded.But I want to place my statue, the Greek whined. Its come all the way from Athens.Would you rather your house fall down around your strange statue?Dont talk to me that way, Jew, I am paying you well to build this house.And I am building this house well, which means not on the sand. So store your statue and let me do my work.Well, fall behind it. You, slaves, help unload my statue. The Greek was talking to Joshua and me. All of you, help unload my statue. He pointed to the slaves who had been pretending to work since the Greek arrived, but who werent sure that it was in their best interest to look like a part of a project about which the master seemed displeased. They all looked up with a surprised Who, me? expression on their faces, which I spy was the same in any language.The slaves moved to the chariot and began untying the ropes that held the statue in place. The Greek looked to us. Are you deaf, slaves? Help them He stormed back to his chariot and grab bed a whip out of the drivers hand.Those are not slaves, my father said. Those are my apprentices.The Greek wheeled on him. And I should care about that? Move, boys NowNo, Joshua said.I thought the Greek would explode. He raised the whip as if to strike. What did you say?He said, no. I stepped up to Joshuas side.My people believe that graven images, statues, are sinful, my father said, his voice on the edge of panic. The boys are only being true to our God.Well, that is a statue of Apollo, a real god, so they will help unload it, as will you, or Ill find another mason to build my house.No, Joshua repeated. We will not.Right, you leprous jar of camel snot, I said.Joshua looked at me, sort of disgusted. Jeez, Biff.Too much?The Greek screeched and started to swing the whip. The last thing I saw as I covered my face was my father diving toward the Greek. I would take a lash for Joshua, but I didnt want to lose an eye. I braced for the sting that never came. There was a thump, then a twa nging sound, and when I uncovered my face, the Greek was lying on his back in the dirt, his white robe covered with dust, his face red with rage. The whip was extended out behind him, and on its tip stood the armoured hobnail boot of Gaius Justus Gallicus, the centurion. The Greek rolled in the dirt, ready to vent his ire on whoever had stayed his hand, but when he saw who it was, he went limp and pretended to cough.One of the Greeks bodyguards started to step forward. Justus pointed a finger at the guard. Will you stand down, or would you rather feel the foot of the Roman Empire on your make out?The guard stepped back into line with his companions.The Roman was grinning like a mule eating an apple, not in the least concerned with allowing the Greek to save face. So, Castor, am I to gather that you need to enlist more Roman slaves to help build your house? Or is it true what I hear about you Greeks, that whipping young boys is an entertainment for you, not a disciplinary action?T he Greek spit out a mouthful of dust as he climbed to his feet. The slaves I have will be adequate for the task, wont they, Alphaeus? He turned to my father, his eyes pleading.My father seemed to be caught between two evils, and unable to decide which was the lesser of them. Probably, he said, finally.Well, good, then, Justus said. I will expect a bonus payment for the extra work they are doing. Carry on.Justus walked through the construction site, acting as if every eye was not on him, or not caring, and paused as he passed Joshua and me.Leprous jar of camel snot? he said under his breath.Old Hebrew blessing? I ventured.You two should be in the hills with the other Hebrew rebels. The Roman laughed, tangle our hair, then walked away.The sunset was turning the hillsides pink as we walked home to Nazareth that evening. In addition to being almost exhausted from the work, Joshua seemed vexed by the events of the day.Did you know that about not being able to build on sand? he asked.Of course, my fathers been talking about it for a long time. You can build on sand, but what you build will fall down.Joshua nodded thoughtfully. What about soil? Dirt? Is it okay to build on that?Rock is best, but I suppose hard dirt is good.I need to remember that.We seldom saw Maggie in those days after we began working with my father. I found myself looking forward to the Sabbath, when we would go to the temple and I would mill around outside, among the women, while the men were inside listening to the reading of the Torah or the arguments of the Pharisees. It was one of the few times I could talk to Maggie without Joshua around, for though he resented the Pharisees even then, he knew he could learn from them, so he spent the Sabbath listening to their teachings. I still wonder if this time I steal with Maggie somehow represented a disloyalty to Joshua, but later, when I asked him about it, he said, God is willing to forgive you the sin that you carry for being a child of man, bu t you must forgive yourself for having once been a child.I suppose thats right.Of course its right, Im the Son of God, you dolt. Besides, Maggie always wanted to talk about me anyway, didnt she?Not always, I lied.On the Sabbath before the murder, I found Maggie outside the synagogue, sitting by herself under a view palm tree. I shuffled up to her to talk, but kept looking at my feet. I knew that if I looked into her eyes I would forget what I was talking about, so I only looked at her in brief takes, the way a man will glance up at the sun on a sweltering day to confirm the source of the heat.Wheres Joshua? were the first words out of her mouth, of course.Studying with the men.She seemed disappointed for a moment, but then brightened. How is your work?Hard, I like playing better.What is Sepphoris like? Is it like Jerusalem?No, its smaller. But there are a lot of Romans there. Shed seen Romans. I needed something to impress her. And there are graven images statues of people.Maggie covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. Statues, really? I would love to see them.Then come with us, we are leaving tomorrow very early, before anyone is awake.I couldnt. Where would I tell my mother I was going? ramify her that you are going to Sepphoris with the Messiah and his pal.Her eyes went wide and I looked away quickly, before I was caught in their spell. You shouldnt talk that way, Biff.I saw the angel.You said yourself that we shouldnt say it.I was only joking. Tell your mother that I told you about a beehive that I found and that you want to go find some honey while the bees are still groggy from the morning cold. Its a full lunation tonight, so youll be able to see. She just might believe you.She might, but shell know I was lying when I dont bring home any honey.Tell her it was a hornets nest. She thinks Josh and I are lumpish anyway, doesnt she?She thinks that Joshua is touched in the head, but you, yes, she thinks youre stupid.You see, my plan is working. For it is w ritten that if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.Maggie smacked me on the leg. That is not written.Sure it is, Imbeciles three, verse seven.There is no book of Imbeciles.Drudges five-four?Youre reservation that up.Come with us, you can be back to Nazareth before its time to fetch the morning water.Why so early? What are you two up to?Were going to circumcise Apollo.She didnt say anything, she just looked at me, as if she would see Liar written across my forehead in fire.It wasnt my idea, I said. It was Joshuas.Ill go then, she said.